Microsoft has summoned up a new improbable marketing strategy from a shortlist which included 'Windows - its good for you' 'Microsoft - when the going gets tough' and '****** Windows. This time its personal'.
Microsoft attracted much controversy from one of their early proposals demanding that people buy their operating system and if they didn't threatening to employ Anthea Turner for the next ad. This was shelved after a co-ordinated attack from the Advertising Standards Agency, the United Nations (incl Iran), Save the Children, the Cornish Coast Guard and Anthea Turner's mother who quoted swathes of text from the Geneva convention. The US military was forced to state unequivocally that it has not used Windows 7 or Anthea Turner on any terror suspects at guantanamo bay and in the end, the campaign was dropped and replaced with the current one featuring the line "I'm a PC and Windows 7 was my idea."
The advert features a member of Microsoft's technical support staff - ie a robot (or as the advert claims, a 'pc') - taking the blame for decades of software bugs which have literally changed the face of computing. Other adverts feature further simulations of humans claiming that they in fact invented windows 7.
"This has completely turned the tables" said Nick Clegg a protester in Chicago, formerly a typing assistant from Sheffield who was simply trying to make the text on the screen go bold when Microsoft Word inadvertently killed his boss. "Once we were the angry mob surrounding the inventors of Microsoft. Now the inventors of Microsoft are surrounding the angry mob. We call it the 'I'm Sparticus' strategy."
Asked why customers have queued in their thousands for the product, a representitive from the paperclip protest group Save Our Lives said: "Well its pretty obvious isn't it? They're queing. They've obviously never even heard of the Internet. Maybe they think they're buying one."
Sociologists have been keenly studying the response to the new operating system.
"Years ago people wanted flying cars. They said why have you not invented flying cars yet when the Jetson institute projected that you should have done. Well I'll tell you why not. Microsoft Windows. All the flying car simulations use it, and they model the sky as a blue screen of death. If we actually did manage to get flying cars nowadays, they would probably have windows on them and noone would put their children inside."
Asked whether he has annoyed everyone enough yet, Bill Gates had this to say:
"I'm a PC"
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Postal Strike
Having survived cholera, the luftwaffe, piggy flu and terrorism billions of Britons began the day by finding a darkened corner, crawling into a ball and screaming for their matriarchs in the wake of the communication workers union's devastating strike action, forcing the nation to rely simply on e-mail, phonecalls, any of a hundred dedicated couriers, fax, sms/mms, facebook, twitter, bebo and in some areas far north of Glasgow, face to face communication.
Major metropolitan areas are hardest hit with up to 3 items undelivered today as a direct result of the strike.
"I won't get my junk mail!" said one concerned home owner before falling to the ground gasping, bursting into flames and donating their kidneys to DHL.
Businesses have been warned they will be unable to post ancient forms of currency which nobody uses anymore and everybody resents having to take time off work to 'cash'. Staff directly involved in river cleansing and beautification have been told not to bother coming to work tomorrow, as the absence of postmen dumping letters in the Clyde will mean that water can flow freely again.
Existing daytime television services will remain in place to insure that the thousands of postal workers participating in the strike will soon be grateful they actually even have a job in the 21st century. However, episodes of Postman Pat will be suspended to avoid inflaming the strike with complaints such as "Did you see that?! He's got a ruddy helicopter!".
When challenged on the number of people actually sending letters these days now that internet is widely available and free, a spokesman for CWU said "Thats all media fluff" before going on to elaborate "there's actually no such thing as the Internet". Despite these denials, postal workers are finding that they have time not just to fight Royal Mail, but also to take on the Government, whose attempts to sell royal mail last year faced serious set backs.
"We basically didn't have change for a tenner" commented Peter Mandelson.
Major metropolitan areas are hardest hit with up to 3 items undelivered today as a direct result of the strike.
"I won't get my junk mail!" said one concerned home owner before falling to the ground gasping, bursting into flames and donating their kidneys to DHL.
Businesses have been warned they will be unable to post ancient forms of currency which nobody uses anymore and everybody resents having to take time off work to 'cash'. Staff directly involved in river cleansing and beautification have been told not to bother coming to work tomorrow, as the absence of postmen dumping letters in the Clyde will mean that water can flow freely again.
Existing daytime television services will remain in place to insure that the thousands of postal workers participating in the strike will soon be grateful they actually even have a job in the 21st century. However, episodes of Postman Pat will be suspended to avoid inflaming the strike with complaints such as "Did you see that?! He's got a ruddy helicopter!".
When challenged on the number of people actually sending letters these days now that internet is widely available and free, a spokesman for CWU said "Thats all media fluff" before going on to elaborate "there's actually no such thing as the Internet". Despite these denials, postal workers are finding that they have time not just to fight Royal Mail, but also to take on the Government, whose attempts to sell royal mail last year faced serious set backs.
"We basically didn't have change for a tenner" commented Peter Mandelson.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)